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Not in a very long time has a song hit me in my soul and heart as much as this song, ‘Wild Flower’ by RM of BTS. It has taken me a couple of months to be able to finally put pen to paper and write about this song.
“Flower field, that’s where I’m at
Open land, that’s where I’m at
No name, that’s what I have
No shame, I’m on my grave
When your feet don’t touch the ground
When your own heart underestimates you
When your dreams devour you
When you feel you’re not yourself
All those times”
The opening lyrics, combined with the music got me sucked in immediately. I had goosebumps all over my body and was almost paralysed, I couldn’t move!
You see, 2023 hasn’t started well for me on many levels; from being sick for almost a month in December 2022, losing my soul cat Richo in January 2023, then an accident in the family and dealing with all that came with it to other factors that made life certainly not easy, by a long shot. To be honest, I fell into a light depression that consumed me on and off for these first six months of 2023. To say I was over the new year so early on is an understatement!
I was using everything I learned throughout my personal development journey; from meditating, to journaling, yoga, walks in nature, rest and more…but it didn’t make a difference, not really. I was on the ground, fighting to stay above water. Never ever had I felt like this in my life so far, I wasn’t sure how to handle all these creepy and nasty voices in my head that bombarded me with so much negativity, all I wanted to do was sleep to shut them out!
Then I started to turn to the one thing that ALWAYS helped me – Music!
And it heard me, heard my cry for help and one by one it sent me messages through individual songs. It took a few nudges because I was so numb for so long, but eventually I started to listen and pay attention.
One day, I felt the urge to listen to this song by RM. I had no idea what was in store for me, none. It literally changed my life around, for the better.
“Where’s my end finally gonna be?
Everything’s so exhausting, from A to Z
When’s this wretched mask finally gonna come off?
Yeah, me no hero, me no villain
I’m barely anything
Idling repeats, memories turning vicious
Lying in a field, I set my sights on the skies
Now, I can’t remember what I wanted so badly
I trusted I was happy, now a mere memory
Yeah, I been goin’, no matter what’s in front
No matter what it may be
Memories of holding onto dawn’s edge and spitting things out
Society’s all for the loudest voice
And here I am, still speaking silence
It’s an aside, a boat in full bloom
To face all the prejudice and misunderstandings
I don’t care much for being tossed into the air
Grounded on my own two feet”
These lyrics and music spoke to me on such a deep level, I felt as if my soul was burning and I could feel a deep rumbling, too. I immediately felt lighter and able to tell these stupid voices in my head and heart to be quiet. I started to think and feel through so much, every day something new would come up but I was ready and able to work through this darkness and feeling of emptiness.
This song allowed me to start the process of (re)discovering myself and working through the process of letting go of old believes and ways of seeing myself.
Plus, the confusion and inner turmoil that happens because I am finding myself again. All the questions I was now asking myself: what impact will this have on me and xyz?! How am I going to transition from here to where I know I want to be?!
For the next couple of months, I was working my way through these and more questions, about myself, my life and who I have become and why. And who I want to be and how I want to show up for my family, relationships and the world in general.
I started to feel less lost, moved into gratitude and found my dreams again that I thought I had lost a long time to. Then developed the courage to step out of my own prison, into a field full of wildfloers with a deep sense of knowing that I can light my own ‘flower work’ and that when I stand in my own strength and courage, I can be who I am again – gentle, quiet, still, quirky, funny and ME!
Honestly, I am so much better now, happier than I have been in a long time. I notice that the more I lean into who I am, better things happen to and for me. Lots of ‘coincidences’ have happened, and music has become my guide through life on a much deeper level now. A connection that wasn’t there before, not so deep and true and loving.
The road to recovery is still ongoing yet I am in part 2 of this journey, which means a new song has been given to me for this process (I will share this one once I am ready for it).
For now, I can’t express the gratitude towards RM for writing this song that literally help me turn the corner during such a hard time in my life.
Here’s to more happiness, joy and gratitude for the one life I have, we have!